Some folks asked me to sing for an upcoming ceremony. I suggested a few pieces, but the main lead thought they were too sad. She suggested another piece that I listened to today. This was my way too long e-mail response:
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I've listened to the [suggested] song a few times. It's pretty, and the music is moving. But it doesn't have guts to it. Hearing it actually leaves me sadder because it's a beautiful longing, but it's a longing for something that isn't, something unreal or even false. It's a clinging to the past with no real hope for progress or the future. After the emotion, it leaves me . . . empty. More empty than I started. It's like attending a wonderful movie or play by myself. I get all caught up in the story. I forget where and even who I am for a moment. But when it's over, there's no one to talk to, no one to share the memory. I feel far more alone than when I arrived, more alone than if I had simply stayed home. I'm more aware of the rain, of the cold, of the sharp smell and neon glare of a dirty city night. Of the stairs to my apartment. Of the noise of my keys when I unlock the door and enter the silent room. It's like being taken to the gates of heaven, but when you step inside, you're in Capitol Hill or Pioneer Square.
I'm not saying that to be harsh or to lessen your enjoyment of the piece. Those are simply my reactions. I've known enough hurt and loss in life that I can't pretend it away. It's just not in me. Because of that, I really don't think I could sing this song with honesty in my voice or heart. :-( My whole life is about hope and love. But hope without resistance is no hope, and love without pain is transient or an illusion. My head and heart can't see light without the shadows that help define reality. I can say, "Life sucks, but there is hope. Loss and pain are dreadful, but 'love is stronger than death.'" But I can't just imagine something pretty and believe it's real. I can't define reality, but reality shapes me. Hope is the active, conscious, and informed resistance against darkness, evil, and pain. Love, true love, is beyond the power of man and is the only force powerful enough to face and truly change the reality around us. Hope and love exist. They are as real as the air we breathe, and they are amazing to behold and to experience. But I can't bring myself to offer them to anyone without sharing the truth about the rest of reality. I feel like I would be lying.
Sorry for all the philosophy. The sum of it is: it is a pretty tune, but I my heart wouldn't be in the song. The [intended listeners] deserve a much better performance than I would be able to give with this piece.