epiphany

And Not So

Today was going fairly well when late in the afternoon, I contracted a bad case of the lonlies. Various factors influenced it, but none should have made it as strong as it's been.

I'm tired of being alone. I don't mind doing things by myself, as that's usually my only option. Sometimes I quite enjoy it. But attending events alone is futile. Lasting enjoyment comes from sharing an experience, being able to resurrect the good through collaborative retelling. Unfortunately, I really don't have anyone to share experiences with. I do have friends in the area, but my closest friends are married and have responsibilities at home.

I often think about moving. But that wouldn't appear to solve the problem, as I don't have any particular place to move. Of course, as I'm not doing anything with friends here, I could not do anything with friends just about anywhere. And it would probably be less expensive. ;-)

The truth is, I want a place to belong. Not just to live, but to belong. While I'm looking forward to the End and the beauty to follow, I have to admit I don't have the patience to wait for it. If eternal life is a "quality" ("not a quantity"), as is commonly proclaimed, and my present life is a reflection of that quality, I can't say I would want it much. Talk about a disappointment! "Hanneman . . . Hanneman. Lets see: Betty, Bob, Grace . . . Ah, yes, here we are! 'Jonathan.' Well, Jonathan (do you prefer 'Jon' or 'Jonathan'?) for your reward, you get to live alone in an apartment and share your thoughts (and lack of experiences) via digital formats. Forever. Have a nice eternity. (Bwah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!)"

So I don't much buy the "quality" claim. At least not yet. What I do know is that, as a believer, eternal life is going to be much better than this. The Bible says that Jesus will wipe away all tears. As an introspective/depressive type, I find that part of heaven incomprehensible. I can grasp at the loose edges of perfection. I can see how eternal enjoyment could work. But life without sadness I just can't imagine. Everything I see I see tainted with sorrow, pain, and empty longing. I try to remember childhood, a time before I could see the evil in the world (or understood its power). I imagine that that's what heaven is like. I know that there was such a time in my life. I know I had many years of happiness. But time and seeing have a way of eroding and defacing the past. Even the purest of memories grow pitted and worn over the years.

Heaven will be the great undoing, the Great Forgetting. Sin gone. Sorrow gone. Fullness of joy. Perfect communion. Unbelieveable. Our desperate hope. Our certainty.

But for now, waiting seems to be the order of the day. Whether or not I have the patience, whether or not I'm lonely, whether or not I want to wait, wait I must, and wait I will.

"Even so, Lord Jesus, come quickly."

***************
Blessed Hope
- a song from Mars Hill Church

When you come, will you take all of me?
When you come, you will bend every knee.
You will roll back the sky, and the stars will fall,
And every tongue confess.

When you come, I will be quiet in your love.
When you come, will you take me above
To leave the lust, leave the flesh,
Leave the pride of life,
To see forever clearly?

The mountains will dance
And the trees clap their hands;
The Savior will wipe away all tears from our eyes.

When you come, you will make all things new.
You will draw all who thirst unto you.
You will dwell "God with us"--Emmanuel,
And you will sing over us.

The mountains will dance
And the trees clap their hands;
The Savior will wipe away all tears from our eyes.

The trumpet shall sound,
And the Lord will descend:
Forever with us, forever with him.

The mountains will dance
And the trees clap their hands;
The Savior will wipe away all tears from our eyes.

Holy, holy is the Lord God almighty.
Holy is the Lord.
Holy, holy is the Lord God almighty.
Holy is the Lord.

Posted by jonhanneman at November 12, 2005 7:59 PM | TrackBack